Disorganised attachment is an unhealthy attachment style that can lead to various personal and professional problems in a person’s life. This attachment style is the only disorganised one, with the three other styles – secure, anxious, and avoidant – all having secure characteristics.

In the final part of our four-part series on attachment styles, we will be covering the least well known of all the attachment styles – disorganised attachment.

Signs of Disorganised Attachment

Sometimes called fearful-avoidant attachment, disorganised attachment has several signs, including:

• Extreme fear of rejection
• Difficulty connecting to others
• Feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy
• Desiring closeness but pushing others away
• Chaotic or intense relationship patterns

Children with a disorganised attachment style may struggle to reach the same cognitive milestones as securely attached children. Children may also have trust issues, as their caregiver may have violated their trust multiple times.

Adults with a disorganised attachment style often fear that anyone they let close to them will hurt them. As a result, they push many people away. Adults with this attachment style may think that rejection is inevitable no matter what they do and therefore shy away from any relationship, be it romantic or platonic.

Furthermore, disorganised adults usually negatively perceive themselves and other people. Research has also found that people with this attachment style are more likely to develop depression and social anxiety.^[1] Some studies additionally suggest that those with disorganised attachment are more likely to develop substance use disorders and demonstrate aggressive behaviour.

In addition to the above, further research into the fearful-avoidant attachment style has revealed that this particular type of attachment may influence how people view sex and intimacy. One study found that people with a disorganised attachment style were more likely to have more sexual partners throughout their lives and were more likely to consent to sex, even when they did not want it.^[2] This may be due to a combined desire for intimacy and emotional distance, with the disorganised individual engaging in casual relationships to hold others at arm’s length.

Causes of Disorganised Attachment

When babies are born, they immediately bond with their parents or caregivers. These caregivers cater to their physical and emotional needs, providing a safe space for the child to return to. However, if the caregiver does not provide a safe space for the child when they are distressed, the child cannot form a secure bond and will instead develop an insecure attachment style.

Children may also develop a disorganised attachment style if their parent or caregiver exhibits frightening behaviour. This behaviour may include physical, emotional, sexual abuse, or shouting at the child instead of providing reassurance for any fears and distress. Other responses that may contribute towards a disorganised attachment style include:

• Laughing at a child in distress
• Shouting at a child to stop them crying
• Only soothing a child very briefly before losing patience and shouting
• Ignoring a child’s cries for long periods at a time

The disorganised attachment style was the last attachment style to be identified by researchers. Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth were instrumental in identifying secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment, but researchers Main and Solomon later added disorganised attachment in 1986.^[3]

Coping With Disorganised Attachment

Many people may not realise that they have a disorganised attachment style. Although it can be challenging to cope with, there are ways to improve and change this attachment style to a more secure form. For those with disorganised attachment, there are several ways to help:

• Become educated – Read into disorganised attachment and identify some of the traits. This enables adults to gain insight into some patterns that may influence their relationships and inner dialogue.
• Improve communication – To improve communication, adults should speak more openly about what makes them anxious in a relationship. They should also seek reassurance when needed.
• Talk to a therapist – Attachment is intrinsically linked to trauma. If a child does not have their most basic needs for affection and love met, this can stay with them for years, and the world can be overwhelming, even as an adult. Talking to a therapist can help people feel more connected to themselves and help them connect to others as well.

However, a disorganised person may have trouble opening up, even to a therapist. It may feel too close to intimacy, and they could withdraw and refuse to attend sessions after only a few weeks.^[4] This reluctance can be improved by seeking a therapist with experience in treating the root causes of disorganised attachment.

Healing from a disorganised attachment style is a challenging but worthwhile process. The ability to form healthy relationships can positively impact many people’s lives for the better for years to come.

Conclusion

A disorganised attachment style can make it incredibly difficult to form and maintain relationships. It can stem from childhood abuse, trauma, or an emotionally unavailable or distant caregiver. However, it is possible to heal and change a disorganised attachment style by engaging in therapy and self-reflection to identify negative thought patterns and learn how to alter them. 

If you have a client or know of someone struggling with anything you have read in this blog, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and outpatient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For more information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

^[1] Murphy B, Bates GW. Adult attachment style and vulnerability to depression. Pers Individ Dif. 1997;22(6):835-844. doi:10.1016/s0191-8869(96)00277-2

^[2] Favez N, Tissot H. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: A Specific Impact on Sexuality? J Sex Marital Ther. 2019;45(6):510-523. doi:10.1080/0092623x.2019.1566946

^[3] Main, M. & Solomon, J. (1986) Discovery of a new, insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In T. B. Brazelton & M. Yogman (Eds), Affective development in infancy , pp. 95-124. Norwood, New Jersey: Ablex.

^[4] Reis S, Grenyer BFS. Fearful attachment, working alliance and treatment response for individuals with major depression. Clin Psychol Psychother. 2004;11(6):414-424. doi:10.1002/cpp.428

As with other attachment styles, the avoidant-insecure attachment style develops in early childhood. Sometimes known simply as avoidant attachment or dismissive attachment, children with this attachment style can become very independent – unhealthily so.

Avoidant attachment is one of four attachment styles, the others being secure, anxious, and disorganised. Find out more about the avoidant-insecure attachment style here, or read more about the other attachment styles in our latest blogs.

Characteristics of Avoidant-Insecure Attachment

Children with an avoidant-insecure attachment style may show a lack of desire for closeness and love on the surface, but inside they often struggle with feelings of stress and anxiety. They may reject contact with their primary caregiver whilst also wanting to be near them simultaneously.

In the 1970s, Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation assessment reviewed how infants reacted when their mother left the room and a stranger entered. She observed that infants with an avoidant-insecure attachment style were outwardly calm when their mother left but avoided contact with her when she returned.^[1]

As an adult, those with an avoidant attachment style often display traits, such as:

• Navigating difficult situations alone, even when offered support
• Suppressing pessimistic emotions
• Avoiding emotional intimacy in relationships
• Withdrawing from difficult conversations or events
• Focusing only on their own needs and comfort
• Having high self-esteem but a negative view of others around them

Adults with an avoidant attachment style may also find it challenging to communicate their needs in their friendships and relationships.^[2] Nevertheless, they may enjoy the company of others and have many friends, yet work hard to avoid letting people in as they feel as though they do not or should not need to rely on anyone.

The avoidant adult may engage in romantic relationships but use various tactics to ensure that they do not progress further than surface level. For example, they may use excuses of having to work late to avoid seeing their partners or fail to support their partners through emotionally challenging times.

Causes of Avoidant Attachment

Babies and young children signal their needs by crying or reaching out to their primary caregiver. However, when their caregiver rejects their signals and ignores them, they may learn to repress any needs for comfort when they feel upset. Unresponsive caregivers can cause children to develop an avoidant attachment style as they are consistently discouraged from expressing emotion and realise that they will receive no support.

Although an avoidant parent may care for their child’s physical needs, such as food, clothing, and shelter, overlooking their emotional needs significantly impacts how their attachment develops. In the 1950s, Harry Harlow conducted a study in which he gave baby monkeys the choice of spending time with two inanimate mothers – a soft cloth mother or a wire mother with food.

The baby monkeys spent most of their time with the cloth mothers, only going to the wire mother for food. This demonstrated the importance of receiving comfort and warmth during early childhood and how children form attachment through more than being fed and housed.^[3]

If a parent or caregiver of a child has an avoidant-insecure attachment style, they may:

• Refuse to acknowledge their child when they cry
• Physically separates from their child when they are fearful or distressed
• Have an avoidant attachment style themselves
• Repeatedly tell their child to toughen up or grow up when they are upset

Parents may also be struggling, and having a baby who needs a lot of emotional attention can be overwhelming. Caregivers may then become distant and emotionally unavailable from their child, which the child gradually picks up on.

If you are a parent, you can assist your child in developing a secure attachment style rather than an avoidant attachment style by ensuring that you meet their basic needs and engage with them when they show signs of fear or distress. Some parents refuse to hold their children as they cry due to a fear of spoiling them, but by ignoring them or letting them ‘cry it out’, the child may grow up with an avoidant attachment style.

Support and Help

Those with an avoidant attachment style can seek help and succeed in changing their attachment style. For example, those with an avoidant attachment style can attend therapy, which will enable them to develop a greater capacity for emotional intimacy and assess where their attachment style stems from.

By attending therapy, those with unhealthy attachment styles can work towards becoming securely attached. This can take a long time and a lot of hard work. Still, it allows individuals to develop greater insight into their relationships and become more aware of how they experience attachment.

During therapy, the avoidant adult must take steps to understand their emotional needs and assess their existing patterns of behaviour. When do they begin to pull away from emotional closeness? Is there a consistent trigger? Once these questions have been addressed, they can start developing a plan to let people into their lives.

Couples with differing attachment styles may consistently clash about the same topic. Although it may seem surface level, this issue can run deeper. As a result, it may benefit couples to attend therapy sessions with a couples counsellor. Fostering a healthy relationship takes time and effort, but it can support those with an avoidant attachment style and enable them to understand how secure, emotionally intimate relationships can aid their lives.

Conclusion

Those with an avoidant-insecure attachment style can often struggle to let people get close to them. They frequently feel they do not need to rely on anyone, and when people try to rely on them, they can fail to support them. However, there are ways that people can learn to combat these avoidant behaviours and transition to a healthier, more secure attachment style.

If you have a client or know of someone struggling with anything you have read in this blog, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and outpatient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For more information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

^[1] Ainsworth MD, Bell SM. Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child Dev. 1970;41(1):49-67. doi:10.2307/1127388

^[2] Simpson JA, Rholes WS. Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:19-24. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006

^[3] Harlow HF. The nature of love. American Psychologist. 1958;13(12):673-685. doi:10.1037/h0047884

Influenced primarily by parents or caregivers, attachment styles shape how people function as children and adults. Amongst the various attachment styles that can develop is anxious-insecure attachment.

Also known as ambivalent attachment, this attachment style can be incredibly unhealthy and affect all aspects of a person’s life.

Causes of Anxious Attachment

Research shows that early life experiences have significant control over the attachment style a child develops. For example, those with an anxious attachment style may have experienced inconsistent parenting during their younger years. This may have seen a parent or caregiver be attentive and nurturing at times and cold and emotionally unavailable at others.

An example of inconsistent parenting includes events in which parents may have attempted not to spoil a child by refusing to pick them up as and when they cried. If children do not know what to expect from their caregivers and cannot be certain that their needs and wants will be reacted to, they can become confused, insecure, and clingy.

In addition to inconsistent parenting, several childhood experiences may place children at an increased risk of developing an anxious attachment style, such as:

• Abuse or neglect
• Early separation from a parent or caregiver, such as divorce
• Having a parent or caregiver who appeared annoyed when the child was in distress

The Strange Situation

Many studies, such as ‘The Strange Situation’, a procedure developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s,^[1] have focused on attachment styles. This particular experiment examined how children between 9 and 18 months reacted when their mother left the room and a stranger entered.

During this study, Ainsworth reviewed the behaviours of the children at all stages, including if they explored or searched for their mother and how they maintained or avoided contact. In doing so, she identified three attachment styles: secure, resistant, and avoidant. Those with a resistant attachment style were intensely distressed when their mother left, but when reunited with her, they resisted contact.

Ainsworth, therefore, concluded that the parent or caregiver was responsible for a child’s attachment style. Mothers who responded incorrectly to their children’s needs were more likely to have children with an anxious-insecure attachment style.

In addition to offering insight into attachment styles, Ainsworth’s study provided empirical evidence for John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which was developed in the 1960s.^[2]

Signs of Anxious Attachment

Those with an anxious attachment style display multiple signs as children and adults. As children, these can include:

• Not interacting with strangers
• Becoming incredibly upset when their caregiver leaves them
• Crying that cannot be easily consoled
• Being generally anxious
• Exploring less than other children

As an adult, signs of an anxious attachment style include:

• Inability to trust others
• Low self-esteem
• Being scared of abandonment
• Being overly sensitive to a partner’s actions and moods
• Requiring constant reassurance that people care about them

Adults with an anxious attachment style can find romantic and platonic relationships challenging to maintain. They may often feel that their relationships are unstable and have a negative view of themselves. One study found that women with an anxious attachment style find relationships especially difficult as adults.^[3]

People with anxious attachment styles may also be self-sacrificing in relationships out of fear that their partner will leave if their needs are not met. However, this behaviour can lead to resentment and unmet needs from the anxious party, which can severely damage the relationship.

How To Change Attachment Styles

It is possible to change unhealthy attachment styles to healthier ones through treatment. For example, those with an anxious-insecure attachment style may benefit from cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) to help regulate their emotional reactions and change their negative thought patterns.

It is also essential to keep in touch with the emotions and feelings that arise when anxiously attached people feel insecure in their relationships. By understanding their triggers and reactions, they can explore the reasons behind their responses and review how to mitigate them.

Communication is critical for adults with an anxious attachment style. As they may require more reassurance, they may benefit from discussing this with their partner to clarify what they need to feel more secure in their relationship. Firm, clear boundaries can also help those with anxious attachment styles, as it can remove some anxiety from scenarios such as spending time apart or having different hobbies. Boundaries can also help the partners of anxiously attached people, offering them space from consistently reassuring their partner.

Conclusion

An anxious-insecure attachment style develops in childhood, usually stemming from inconsistent parenting. This can cause problems later in life as anxiously attached adults can struggle in their relationships due to low self-esteem. Their romantic relationships can additionally consume their lives as they are desperate to gain a sense of closeness and intimacy.

However, unhealthy attachment styles can be changed. Therapy and self-reflection can give those with an anxious-insecure attachment style the tools to combat negative thoughts and unhealthy behaviours, allowing them to work towards a more secure attachment style.

If you have a client or know of someone struggling with anything you have read in this blog, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and outpatient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For more information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

^[1] Cassidy J, Jones JD, Shaver PR. Contributions of attachment theory and research: a framework for future research, translation, and policy. Dev Psychopathol. 2013;25(4 Pt 2):1415-34. doi: 10.1017/S0954579413000692

^[2] ​​Fuertes J N, R. Grindell S, Kestenbaum M, Gorman B. Sex, Parent Attachment, Emotional Adjustment, and Risk-Taking Behaviors, Int J High Risk Behav Addict. 2017 ; 6(2):e36301. doi: 10.5812/ijhrba.36301.

^[3] McCarthy, Gerard, and Alan Taylor. “Avoidant/Ambivalent Attachment Style As A Mediator Between Abusive Childhood Experiences And Adult Relationship Difficulties”. Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry, vol 40, no. 3, 1999, pp. 465-477. Wiley, https://doi.org/10.1111/1469-7610.00463. Accessed 31 Dec 2021.