Compassion Archives - Khiron Clinics

How To Help A Child With Intrusive Thoughts

Araminta — Sun, 27 Feb 2022 05:30:33 +0000

Many people deal with intrusive thoughts throughout their lives. For children, these thoughts can be incredibly scary and disturbing. They may worry that there is something wrong with them; however, this is not the case, and there are several ways to help a child manage this.

What Are Intrusive Thoughts?

Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that come into your head unprompted and unasked for. They can occur frequently and are often of an upsetting and disturbing nature. These disturbing thoughts can be violent or sexual and may often be about behaviours that you find repulsive.

Intrusive thoughts can be negative and draining. However, although they may be present and persistent, they often fade quickly.

The recurrence of these thoughts can be a worrying sign for people. They can often think that because they are having these thoughts, they are a bad person and they secretly want these terrible things to happen; however, this is untrue.

Intrusive thoughts are incredibly common. They are reported in almost every country worldwide, and many people will experience them throughout their lives.^[1] Children may not recognise these thoughts as just thoughts and will not know how to deal with them.

Young children often experience what is known as magical thinking. Magical thinking is a strong belief that your inner thoughts can influence the outside world, especially in children up to 7 years old. If a child is experiencing disturbing thoughts, they may be terrified that these dark images will influence the world around them. This fear can make them feel incredibly guilty, scared and afraid.

Causes of Intrusive Thoughts

There may not be a cause for intrusive thoughts.

Much of the population have these thoughts from time to time, and they are very normal. However, for some people (including children), intrusive thinking can be symptomatic of a deeper mental health condition, such as:

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) – those with OCD struggle with intrusive thoughts that can become behaviours. For example, someone with OCD may have thoughts about getting sick, which can then cause them to obsessively clean their countertops to avoid this risk.
Eating disorders – eating disorders can cause intrusive thoughts about body image and food’s impact on the body. These thoughts can cause significant distress to those with an eating disorder.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – intrusive thoughts are common in people with PTSD. They may relate to the traumatic incident and trigger physical symptoms, including an elevated heart rate, severe flashbacks and mental distress.

How to Help

Your child may not want you to find out that they are experiencing intrusive thoughts out of fear of how you will react. If their thoughts are violent or disturbing, they may go to lengths to hide them, even if they are causing them immense distress. If you suspect that your child is struggling with negative thoughts, or your child confesses to you that they are, there are several steps that you can take to help them:

Explain what intrusive thoughts are – young children won’t know what intrusive thoughts are and may feel intense guilt that what they are thinking will cause them or someone they love to get hurt. Even young adults may not know what they are experiencing. Explaining disturbing thoughts to your child can reassure them that they are not alone and they are experiencing something entirely normal.
Thinking isn’t the same as doing – having intrusive thoughts about horrible scenarios or events is not the same as acting on them. A child may have thoughts about hurting people around them and worry that they are terrible people, but by letting them know that having these thoughts is not the same as acting upon them, they can begin to relax.
Catch them in the act – teaching your child or teenager how to catch intrusive thoughts in the act can be a beneficial way of dealing with them. By noticing their thinking and acknowledging it, children can learn that they are nothing to be afraid of. You can teach your child to say or think, “this is an intrusive thought!” whenever one comes to mind, and then let the thought go so it can’t bother them anymore.
Don’t push them away – although this may seem counterintuitive, pushing away intrusive thoughts can cause children – and adults – to fixate on them more. Instead, accept that the thought is there and know it will pass.

These methods may not be enough for all children, and in this case, they may benefit from attending therapy sessions to help manage and interrupt the process. Therapy can also help children and young adults to address any potential triggers for their disturbing thoughts to teach them healthy responses.

Conclusion

Intrusive thoughts can be scary for children and adolescents. They may not recognise their thoughts as intrusive and instead worry about what others may think of them. Help your child by educating them on how to catch intrusive thoughts in the act and how thinking is not the same as doing.

If your child confesses that they are having disturbing thoughts, it is not a cause for concern – they are common all over the world, and almost everyone will experience them at some point in their life.

However, if you are worried about your child’s mental health, always seek professional help.

If you have a client or know of someone struggling with intrusive thoughts, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential programme and outpatient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For more information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

^[1] Clark, David A., and Adam S. Radomsky. “Introduction: A Global Perspective On Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts”. Journal Of Obsessive-Compulsive And Related Disorders, vol 3, no. 3, 2014, pp. 265-268. Elsevier BV, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jocrd.2014.02.001. Accessed 25 Jan 2022.

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The Disease To Please – Hypervigilance Around Others’ Needs

Araminta — Fri, 25 Feb 2022 06:00:41 +0000

Hypervigilance is not a mental health condition on its own, although it can be symptomatic of one. Being hypervigilant often means that people are sensitive to their environment, but it can also mean being extremely sensitive to other people’s emotions.

Hypervigilance Defined

Hypervigilance is characterised by an extreme sensitivity to the environment. Hypervigilant people are often on high alert and constantly on the lookout for hidden dangers and potential escape routes. It can be exhausting to deal with and can interfere with work and personal relationships.

Hypervigilance is commonly a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and can also be a symptom of panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder.^[1] Other experiences that can cause hypervigilance include being a survivor of domestic or childhood abuse, a war veteran, or surviving sexual assault. Symptoms of hypervigilance include:

Quick, shallow breathing
Rapid heart rate
Severe anxiety
Avoiding social interactions
Increased fear
Overreacting to environmental and emotional stimuli

Additionally, hypervigilance can be defined by four features:

Avoidance of perceived threats – depending on where an individual sees a threat, they may avoid those places or scenarios. People may also develop agoraphobia, an intense fear of places and situations in which they may be trapped.
Startle reflex – everyone startles at loud noises occasionally, but in cases of hypervigilance, people can jump or flinch at sudden movement, noise, and surprise. This is also called hyperekplexia.
Overestimating a threat – hypervigilance causes people to constantly be prepared for threats, to the point where they will take any precaution to prepare themselves. This can include sitting with their back to a wall or near an exit so that they can escape easily.
Epinephrine-induced physiological symptoms – also known as adrenaline, epinephrine is a stress hormone that can impact our fight-or-flight response. Hypervigilance can release more epinephrine than needed to prepare for threats, which causes increased blood pressure, a rapid heart rate, and dilated pupils.

Hypervigilance may be mistaken for paranoia. Although there are similarities between the two, there are also marked differences:

Present and future – paranoia is characterised by a belief that someone is trying to hurt them in the present. In contrast, hypervigilance is marked by intense anxiety about bad things happening in the future.
Being on guard – hypervigilant people are consistently on guard, but those struggling with paranoia suffer from delusions that someone or something is out to get them.
Insight – paranoid people are often unaware that they are suffering from delusions. However, hypervigilant people know that they may be irrational but still find it difficult or impossible to relax.

Emotional Hypervigilance

Hypervigilance is often a response to trauma, childhood abuse, assault, or surviving an accident or natural disaster. For those hypervigilant due to abuse, they may be especially vigilant with the needs of others, constantly going out of their way and out of their comfort zone in an attempt to keep them happy.

This can also play into attachment theory. Those with an anxious-insecure attachment style are constantly sensitive to their partner’s moods and emotions. As they are terrified of abandonment, they can be increasingly hypervigilant to their partners’ needs and wants. However, this behaviour can lead to resentment on behalf of the hypervigilant person, as they strive to cater to their partner’s wants, but their partner may not do the same.

Hypervigilance can also affect relationships, both romantic and platonic, in many ways:

Identity issues – those constantly hypervigilant to their partner’s moods and needs may neglect their feelings and needs and lose their sense of identity.
Clinginess – those coping with trauma and an anxious-insecure attachment style can become incredibly clingy to their partners out of fear they will leave. They are hypervigilant to their partners’ needs to try and discourage them from leaving.
Emotional outbursts – hypervigilance can cause people to have trouble regulating their emotions, leading to intense emotional outbursts.
Trust issues – hypervigilance leads to people constantly scanning their surroundings for threats. These threats can include people, and even in relationships and friendships, people can struggle with trust issues.

In addition, those struggling with hypervigilance can overreact to their partner’s or friends’ tones or expressions and overanalyse every situation. This can damage their relationships as their partners may take offence to their reactions and not understand why they behave the way they do.

Coping With Hypervigilance

If you notice that hypervigilance affects your life, there are several ways to help. As being intensely hypervigilant is linked to anxiety disorders and PTSD, it is wise to contact a mental health professional to see if there is an underlying cause.

An effective treatment for hypervigilance is exposure therapy. This form of treatment focuses on exposing people to specific triggers and fears to help individuals recognise what causes them to react so they can take steps to limit their responses. Therapy can also provide many tools for coping with hypervigilance, including:

Relaxation techniques – your therapist may incorporate relaxation aids such as yoga and breathing exercises into your treatment.
Mindfulness – learning how to be mindful of behaviour can help those struggling with hypervigilance become more aware of what they think and feel in the moment and reduce their reactive behaviour.
Communication -therapists can incorporate communication techniques into treatment to help those struggling with hypervigilance communicate what they need and how they feel to the people around them.

Conclusion

Hypervigilance is a symptom of conditions such as PTSD and several anxiety disorders. It is characterised by the intense fear and avoidance of threats, with those struggling with hypervigilance taking extreme measures to avoid potential adverse outcomes.

Many people struggling with trauma or an avoidant-insecure attachment style can be incredibly hypervigilant to the needs of others. They worry that if they don’t cater to the needs of people around them, their friends and partners will reject them and leave, so they take extreme steps to meet every need of their loved ones; however, this can come with a range of negative consequences and can actively damage relationships. With the help of therapy and healthy coping mechanisms, hypervigilance and its causes can be treated effectively.

If you have a client or know of someone struggling with hypervigilance, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential programme and outpatient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For more information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

^[1] Kimble M, Boxwala M, Bean W, et al. The impact of hypervigilance: Evidence for a forward feedback loop. J Anxiety Disord. 2014;28(2):241-245. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2013.12.006

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What Is an Empath and How To Stop Absorbing Others Emotions

Araminta — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 05:36:13 +0000

Although having empathy for another person enables many to understand their pain and joy, this essentially becomes an empath’s pleasure and pain.

Empaths have many positive traits, including:[1]

Being intuitive
Pick up on dishonesty or hidden emotions
Being incredibly caring
Seeing the world in unique ways

However, there are many downsides to being an empath. Negative aspects can include:[2]

Being overwhelmed by intimacy – you may feel suffocated or panicked by your partner’s feelings
Avoiding conflict, even when conflict may be necessary
Feeling as though you don’t fit in
Difficulty setting boundaries
Trouble dealing with emotional overload

Combatting the Difficult Traits of Being an Empath

There are many ways to combat the problematic sides of being an empath. These include setting boundaries, making friends with the word no, practising mindfulness, and identifying triggers. We delve into each below.

Set Boundaries

Constantly dealing with the emotions of those around you can be exhausting, especially if people often come to you when they encounter problems. In this instance, you may find yourself feeling on edge around them. You may even experience mental exhaustion as you attempt to continuously deal with other people’s thoughts and feelings.[3]

However, this can be mitigated by setting firm, healthy boundaries with your loved ones. Healthy boundaries are essential for everyone, but as an empath, they are critical. This is because setting boundaries can help you focus on your own emotions and problems.

Boundaries can look different for everyone. Depending on your needs, boundaries may include turning down a few social invitations to rest and recharge rather than going out. Boundaries may also consist of encouraging people to seek other forms of help when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

As empaths typically tend to avoid conflict, setting boundaries may seem challenging. However, by establishing them, you can boost your own emotional health and well-being.

Make Friends With the Word No

As touched on above, empaths will avoid conflict as much as possible. This may lead to you saying “yes” to things you don’t necessarily want to do, such as attending an event or allowing people to unload their problems onto you.

Saying “no” goes hand-in-hand with setting non-negotiable boundaries. It’s a great way to make space for your own mental and physical well-being. When you say “no”, make sure you’re clear and firm, but be kind too. Saying “no” in a flimsy tone may lead people to be persistent. They may even demand that you say yes or attempt to change your mind.

Although you may worry about saying “no”, the best part of doing so is that you don’t have to justify yourself. If you’d like, you can, but saying “unfortunately, I can’t make it this weekend” or “thank you for the offer, but I have to decline” is a perfectly valid answer.

Practice Mindfulness

One of the signs of an empath is that they can feel overwhelmed very quickly. This may be from continuous socialising, large crowds, or sensory overload from loud noises or strong smells.

As an empath, it is essential to take steps to protect yourself against feeling overwhelmed. An excellent way to take a step back from the emotional ‘noise’ is to utilise mindfulness practices such as meditation.[4]

Meditation, for example, will provide you with a safe space to come back to at the end of the day. Mindfulness can also assist you when it comes to developing tools you can use in daily life.

Good mindfulness practices that you can incorporate into your life include, but are not limited to, the following:

Journaling
Yoga
Knitting
Walking

Identify Your Triggers

If you’re an empath who finds yourself feeling engulfed in emotion somewhat easily, try keeping a notebook handy. Making a note of how you feel at various times of the day and jotting down what triggers you will help you identify what causes you to feel overwhelmed. In turn, you can begin to plan for what to do when this happens again. You can also determine how to avoid any pessimistic emotions in the future.

For instance, you might find that certain social situations overwhelm you due to the number of people in attendance. The presence of certain people may also leave you feeling uneasy. You can either plan to avoid these events or cut down on attending them entirely in recognising this. After all, your mental health and well-being should be your priority.

Conclusion

Being an empath can sometimes seem like a curse rather than a blessing, especially with the extra emotional noise you have to deal with on a daily basis. However, being an empathic person is something to be proud of – you’re kind, caring, and love helping others. As this can be tiring, be sure to follow some of our tips and remember to look after yourself as well as your loved ones.

If you have a client or know of someone struggling with their mental health, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and outpatient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For more information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

[1] Thompson, Russel L. et al. “Five-Factor Model (Big Five) Personality Traits And Universal-Diverse Orientation In Counselor Trainees”. The Journal Of Psychology, vol 136, no. 5, 2002, pp. 561-572. Informa UK Limited, doi:10.1080/00223980209605551. Accessed 8 Nov 2021.

[2] Heym, Nadja et al. “The Dark Empath: Characterising Dark Traits In The Presence Of Empathy”. Personality And Individual Differences, vol 169, 2021, p. 110172. Elsevier BV, doi:10.1016/j.paid.2020.110172. Accessed 8 Nov 2021.

[3] Wuest, Judith. “Setting Boundaries: A Strategy For Precarious Ordering Of Women’s Caring Demands”. Research In Nursing & Health, vol 21, no. 1, 1998, pp. 39-49. Wiley, doi:10.1002/(sici)1098-240x(199802)21:1<39::aid-nur5>3.0.co;2-u. Accessed 8 Nov 2021.

[4] Raab, Kelley. “Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, And Empathy Among Health Care Professionals: A Review Of The Literature”. Journal Of Health Care Chaplaincy, vol 20, no. 3, 2014, pp. 95-108. Informa UK Limited, doi:10.1080/08854726.2014.913876. Accessed 8 Nov 2021.

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Mental Health and the Menopause

Araminta — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 05:47:17 +0000

Menopause, and perimenopause, bring changes to a woman’s body with various physical symptoms, but the years leading up to it, and the transition itself, also affect the mind and a person’s mental health.

During menopause, mood changes such as sadness, lack of concentration, irritability, lack of motivation, aggressiveness, and stress are common and cause emotional strain.^[1] These mood changes combined with distressing physical symptoms can result in the onset of mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety.

Additionally, if an individual has a pre-existing mental health condition, menopause is known to potentially exacerbate symptoms.

In this article, we will uncover the connection between menopause and mental health, the most commonly associated conditions, and tips to help cope with this transitory time in a woman’s life.

Effects on Mental Health

Menopause is defined as marking the end of the menstrual cycle, twelve months after a woman’s last menstrual period. Perimenopause is the time leading up to menopause when estrogen and hormone levels drop. Perimenopause can last anywhere between four and twelve years.

The key hormones which control the female reproductive system are estrogen and progesterone. These hormones are produced in the ovaries. During menopause, these hormones – particularly estrogen – drop, while the levels of follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinising hormone (LH) increase.^[2]

The fluctuations in the hormone levels cause biochemical changes to the brain and nervous system, resulting in various physiological and psychological symptoms. These symptoms can be mild or acute and may be emotionally distressing.

Symptoms include:

Physical Symptoms: insomnia, hot flushes, fatigue, night sweats, and memory loss.
Mood changes: sadness, lack of concentration, irritability, lack of motivation, aggressiveness, and stress.
Mental Health Disorders: depression and anxiety.

Women may experience similar symptoms due to hormone fluctuations through premenstrual syndrome (PMT), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (a severe form of premenstrual syndrome), and postpartum depression. All these conditions are driven by hormonal changes in the body.

Decreased estrogen levels are particularly significant in affecting mood changes as estrogen modulates neurological processes related to our stress response, cognition, and emotional regulation.

Most women transition without experiencing mental health issues; however, an estimated 20%^[3] of women experience psychological difficulty.

It is rare for someone with no history of mental health disorders to develop a severe mental health issue during this time. Most women who experience significant mood difficulties have suffered from a similar issue in the past.^[4]

It is important to note that midlife, when menopause typically occurs, is a time of flux and stress for many women that may contribute to the onset of depression and anxiety. Women at this time in their lives may feel burdened with life changes, which could include:

caring for children
caring for aging parents
grown children leaving home or returning home
career changes
changes in romantic relationships
concerns about the health of a partner or family member
growing older

Menopause and Depression

Women appear to be vulnerable to depression during perimenopause and in the years after menopause. Clinical trials are yet to find a clear link between depression and menopause; however, research shows that rates of depression significantly increase during these years.^[5]

Women with a history of clinical depression, postpartum depression, or severe PMS in their younger years are more likely to experience a relapse of these symptoms during these years.

In rare instances, the estrogen changes and associated menopausal psychosocial stresses can contribute to the vulnerability of developing major depressive disorder (MDD).^[6]

Menopause and Bipolar Disorder

Research suggests that hormones play a role in the development of bipolar disorder. The hormone fluctuations during menopause have been shown to increase the severity of symptoms in some women. One in five women already suffering from bipolar disorder reported severe emotional distress as they transitioned.^[7]

Research has additionally demonstrated that it is usually the depressive episodes, rather than the manic, which become more pronounced and acute during menopause. This is most likely due to the decrease in estrogen levels.

Menopause and Schizophrenia

Estrogen has antidopaminergic properties, which are the main qualities of any antipsychotic medication. The decrease in estrogen levels during menopause effectively removes this protective aid and can aggravate or trigger psychotic conditions such as schizophrenia.^[8]

Schizophrenia is typically diagnosed in young adulthood; however, there is a second peak in diagnosis among women around menopause. Those with pre-existing schizophrenia may experience an increase in symptoms or a deterioration of their illness and may require a new level of treatment.

Coping with Mood Changes

As well as the fluctuating hormone levels, physical health changes are common during the menopause years, and these can additionally contribute to our mental health. Here are some tips to help protect your mental health during the perimenopause and menopause years:

Remember it is temporary – the physical and physiological shifts during menopause can be frightening. It would be easy to think that they will not pass; however, the symptoms will fade over the years and not be present all the time.
Be aware – mood changes are likely linked to hormone levels, a lack of sleep, stress, or other co-occurring health issues.
Making lifestyle changes – eat a healthy, balanced diet, increase exercise, sleeping well, socialise with positive peers, and control stress levels. All are factors that can help to reduce potential symptoms.
Ask for help – talk to friends and family to share your challenges and receive support if you are struggling. If the symptoms are severe and persistent, speak to your GP or a medical professional, as numerous treatments are available to help alleviate symptoms.

Menopause is a period which all women go through as they reach mid-life. Menopause affects all women differently, with a range of symptoms ranging from mild to acutely distressing. If you or a loved one is suffering from mental health issues during menopause, do not struggle alone – seek help today.

If you have a client, or know of someone who is struggling to heal from psychological trauma, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and out-patient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

[1] “How Can Menopause Affect Your Mental Health? – Mental Health UK”. Mental Health UK, 2021, https://mentalhealth-uk.org/blog/how-can-menopause-affect-your-mental-health/.

[2] “The Reproductive Endocrinology Of The Menopausal Transition.”. Reference.Medscape.Com, 2021, https://reference.medscape.com/medline/abstract/21419147.

[3] “Menopause And Mood Disorders: Overview, Pathophysiology, Etiology”. Emedicine.Medscape.Com, 2021, https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/295382-overview#a1.

[4] “Menopause And Mental Health – Harvard Health”. Harvard Health, 2020, https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/menopause-and-mental-health.

[5] Bosworth, H. B. Depression Increases In Women During Early To Late Menopause But Decreases After Menopause. 2021.

[6] Albert, Kimberly M., and Paul A. Newhouse. “Estrogen, Stress, And Depression: Cognitive And Biological Interactions”. Annual Review Of Clinical Psychology, vol 15, no. 1, 2019, pp. 399-423. Annual Reviews, doi:10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-050718-095557. Accessed 6 July 2021.

[7] “Women With Bipolar Disorder”. Webmd, 2021, https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-women.

[8] Gupta, Rina et al. “Menopause And Schizophrenia”. Menopause International, vol 18, no. 1, 2012, pp. 10-14. SAGE Publications, doi:10.1258/mi.2012.011116. Accessed 6 July 2021.

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Understanding and Cultivating Compassion

Araminta — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 11:01:33 +0000

Compassion (n): a strong feeling of sympathy for people who are suffering and a desire to help them.^[1]

Compassion is something we can feel or have, something we can even be filled with. It encourages social connectedness. A lack of social connection leaves individuals feeling lonely and isolated, which can have a negative impact on one’s mental and physical health and well-being.

Compassion is something which we can cultivate through conscious awareness and effort. It’s common knowledge that in order to maintain or improve one’s physical health, a good diet and regular exercise are essential. What many people underestimate is the power of compassion and conscious awareness in order to keep our psychosocial health in good form. Perhaps the greatest function and benefit of compassion is its ability to foster strong connections.

One of the most common motivators for people to seek therapy is the feeling of loneliness of isolation, or lack of connection to others. Of course, disorders and conditions that affect a person’s quality of life are strong reasons to seek professional help, but a lack of authentic interpersonal connection is going to make any condition all the more difficult to deal with.

This ‘strong feeling of sympathy for people who are suffering and a desire to help them’ can be directed not only towards others but towards ourselves. Very often, compassion towards others comes naturally, and there is even a scientific outlook that implies it’s evolutionary function. Humans, as a species, have survived thus far partly as a result of our propensity for community. Compassion is defined above as ‘sympathy for those who are suffering’. Sympathy was analysed by Charles Darwin in Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex. Darwin asserted that ‘for those communities, which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members, would flourish best, and rear the greatest number of offspring.’^[2]

There is an old proverb that tells us: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Compassion serves a communal function by encouraging us to take action to help others who are suffering or struggling, thereby protecting other members of the community and promoting connection and bonding, which increase our safety in the face of threat.

Furthermore, perhaps what drives us to be compassionate is the identification of the Self in the Other. Offering food or shelter to a person affected by homelessness, for example, is an act of compassion that comes from an understanding, experiential or imagined, of how it would be to be in that person’s situation, and even perhaps a sense of hope that such an attitude would be offered to the compassionate individual if the tables were turned.

Unfortunately, compassion towards ourselves seems to come less naturally. Very often our inner dialogue and narrative is critical and cynical, and speaks to us in ways we wouldn’t consider speaking to another person. Self-compassion can be cultivated, however, and is, in fact, good for our overall health.

Self-Compassion: Kindness, Humanity, and Mindfulness

Compassion is a fundamental trait of any therapist. A therapist who doesn’t show compassion towards a client is one who doesn’t create a therapeutic environment for healing, which is obviously counterintuitive. However, the compassion offered by a therapist is contained within the session, meaning a client can only avail of that compassion for a set, limited amount of time. Integral to therapeutic practice, then, is education on self-compassion.

Leading expert on self-compassion, Kristin Neff, PhD, writes extensively on the subject. In her work she outlines three main elements of self compassion; self kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self Kindness

Neff highlights the importance of understanding that failure and feelings of inadequacy are common to all people, and need not be met with harsh criticism and judgment. All too often when we experience failure or don’t meet the standards we set for ourselves, we respond with avoidance of our pain or harsh criticism that serves no benefit to our well-being. The reality is that we are bound to get things wrong and make mistakes time and time again, but this is not a fault. It is a way of learning and developing a greater awareness of ourselves and the reality we live in. People who understand this and accept it, instead of denying reality or fighting against it, which only results in stress and frustration, tend to cultivate feelings of balance and loving kindness towards ourselves, which cultivates within us a sense of emotional equanimity.^[3]

Common Humanity

During periods of suffering, it can seem as though we are the only person suffering the specific circumstances. It is a feeling that creates a disconnect between the ‘I’ and the rest of the world, resulting in potentially crippling feelings of loneliness and isolation. However, in times of suffering it is important, even life-saving, to remember that we are not alone. An integral part of the human experience is suffering, being vulnerable, and being imperfect.^[4]

When self-compassion is cultivated, it brings with it an awareness that we all suffer, and a feeling of connection to our fellow man through that shared experience. Connection to others is key in fostering a sense of meaning of purpose in our lives, which in turn can alleviate the weight of much suffering.

Mindfulness

In order to give ourselves the best chance at successfully cultivating self-compassion, it is key to develop a sense of mindfulness. Mindfulness is just that, a sense, like sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. It is something that must be developed and honed, however, as the world we live in today is one of constant stimulation and bombardment, which can distort our inner balance and harmony. Through mindfulness, we can gain a broad perspective of our experiences and circumstances, and recognise that, though our suffering may be difficult, we are not alone. The objective awareness one gains from a mindful approach to life allows us to relate to others who are suffering, thus increasing the feeling of loving kindness and connectedness.

Cultivating Self-Compassion through Mindfulness

As mentioned earlier, self-compassion doesn’t always come naturally. In order to cultivate it, we need to take a mindful approach to ourselves and our outlook on life. There are many wonderful practitioners in the area of mindfulness, compassion, loving kindness and meditation whose work it is worth taking some time to explore. Contemporary Buddhist practitioners like Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, and Sharon Salzberg all speak of compassion and the importance of love for the self and others. Much of Kristin Neff’s work relates closely to the work of the practitioners mentioned.

Below is an exercise that can be found on Neff’s own website, selfcompassion.org. It serves to demonstrate how, as we mentioned earlier, we generally treat others with much more kindness and compassion than we give to ourselves. This exercise encourages us to see ourselves as a friend, and treat ourselves accordingly. All you need is a pen and a sheet of paper.

Begin by sitting comfortably and bringing your attention to your breath. Thoughts may come and go, but all you need to do in this moment and notice the breath. Notice how it fills your lungs without any action needed, and how it falls out, naturally. Spend some minutes just noticing, with as little judgment as possible from your thinking mind. Note that if there is some judgment, be that of your thoughts or your physical sensations, that’s ok. Just notice, and return your attention to your breathing.

Begin the exercise itself by remembering a time when a friend was struggling with their sense of self. Maybe they were suffering from anxiety, self doubt, or feelings of sadness and depression. Consider and write down how you would respond to that friend in their time of need.

Next, bring your attention to a time when you were suffering or struggling. Consider and write down how you would typically respond to yourself in such a situation. Be as honest as you can with yourself when writing down your response.

Observe: Is there a difference in how you responded to yourself, when compared with how you responded to a friend. What was different?

Finally, write down how you would have responded to yourself if you were the friend you were trying to help.

Hopefully, this simple exercise will help you understand how we are inclined to treat ourselves in a vastly different manner than we would treat a friend. In cultivating self-compassion, we must attempt to move away from the cynical, harsh self-criticism that we often direct at ourselves and instead become the friend we need.

References:

^[1] In: Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries. 2020. Compassion. [online] Available at: [Accessed 16 May 2020].

^[2] Darwin, C., 1901. The Descent Of Man And Selection In Relation To Sex. London: J. Murray.

^[3] Neff, K., n.d. Definition And Three Elements Of Self Compassion | Kristin Neff. [online] Self-Compassion. Available at: [Accessed 16 May 2020].

^[4] Neff, K., n.d. Definition And Three Elements Of Self Compassion | Kristin Neff. [online] Self-Compassion. Available at: [Accessed 16 May 2020].

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