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The Signs of Abandonment Issues

Those with an intense fear of abandonment can exhibit many behaviours, including:

• Needing constant reassurance – many people afraid of abandonment will repeatedly ask their loved ones for emotional guarantees, such as assurances that they will always be there for them.
• Purposely sabotaging relationships – even though those with a fear of abandonment do not want people to leave them, they may purposefully damage their relationships and push away their loved ones, so they do not feel hurt or surprised when they leave.
• Staying in unhealthy relationships – some people have such an intense fear of being left that they stay in unhealthy, toxic relationships, despite wanting to go.
• Overthinking and suspicion – abandonment issues can make people incredibly anxious, leading to overthinking and suspicion of their partners and friends. For example, if a person does not hear from their partner for a certain amount of time, they may suspect them of having an affair and ruminate on what their silence means.

Other signs of abandonment issues also include:

• Codependency in relationships
• Moving quickly from one relationship to another
• An inability to trust other people
• People-pleasing behaviour
• The need to constantly be in control

Abandonment issues can have long-term effects that affect people throughout their lifetime. They are less likely to be able to regulate their emotions and use healthy coping skills, and are at a higher risk of developing mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.^[1]

Causes of Abandonment Issues

A fear of abandonment can stem from many places. Experiencing childhood abuse, neglect, or the loss of a loved one at an early age can impact how children form attachments, affecting their attachment style later.

However, any relationship, even in adulthood, can cause abandonment issues. Losing a loved one suddenly or ending a meaningful relationship can lead to a fear of abandonment developing and affecting future relationships.^[2] 

Abandonment issues can be caused by adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) – stressful and traumatic events that occur at a young age. These experiences can contribute to negative internal beliefs that lead people to believe they are unimportant and undeserving of love, which can affect relationships in adulthood.

Other causes of abandonment issues can include romantic rejection, financial stress, mental health conditions, medical issues, and workplace mistreatment. However, no one defined reason will lead someone to develop abandonment issues – it is a complex combination of many things.

Abandonment and Attachment

Abandonment and attachment are closely related. Attachment theory was developed in the 1950s by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby and proposes that early childhood interactions between children and caregivers influence how people become attached to others in later life.

Children whose caregivers are responsive to their needs are more likely to grow up securely attached, which helps them to form healthy relationships in adulthood. However, when caregivers are distant, abusive, or inconsistent with their warmth and affection, children can grow up with one of three insecure attachment styles, which could contribute to the development of a fear of abandonment:

• Avoidant attachment – people with this form of attachment tend to avoid close, intimate relationships and have trouble opening up to others. They commonly fear commitment and may therefore cycle through relationships quickly.
• Anxious attachment – anxiously attached people form intense relationships very quickly. They often need a lot of reassurance in relationships and are very emotionally reactive.
• Disorganised attachment – people with a disorganised attachment style are often inconsistent in their relationships and can exhibit signs of anxious and avoidant attachment. They may be uncomfortable with closeness and demonstrate a lack of empathy for others.

Anxiously attached people can often struggle with abandonment issues as they are constantly terrified that people will leave them. However, all attachment styles, even those who are securely attached, can struggle with a fear of abandonment.

Healing a Fear of Abandonment

Overcoming an intense fear of abandonment can seem impossible; however, there are many steps that people can take to help them manage how they feel, including:

• Learning about attachment styles – when people are aware of their attachment style, it can, in turn, make them more aware of how their fear of abandonment affects their relationships. Once people know what attachment style they are aligned with, they can work towards managing the feelings that arise when they are triggered.
• Noting down triggers – fear of abandonment can be triggered by many things, such as a tone of voice or a short response to a question. When people recognise their triggers, they can plan how to cope with them and communicate to others how these triggers make them think and feel.
• Improving communication – abandonment issues can cause people to lash out at their loved ones. Learning to communicate healthily and discussing feelings rather than reacting impulsively can reassure those with a fear of abandonment and improve their romantic and platonic relationships.

Abandonment issues can be hard to face alone. Reaching out for help can help people to confront their fears head-on with the support of a therapist and address the root causes of the issues affecting them.

A fear of abandonment can stem from many places, but no matter where it comes from, it can be challenging for relationships. This fear can also contribute to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression and can feel inescapable. Abandonment issues can be addressed and healed, and with consistent work and effort, these feelings lessen, and relationships can be improved.

Sources:

^[1] Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. Am J Prev Med., 14(4):245-258. doi:10.1016/s0749-3797(98)00017-8

^[2] Schoenfelder EN, Sandler IN, Wolchik S, Mackinnon D. Quality of Social Relationships and the Development of Depression in Parentally-Bereaved Youth. J Youth Adolesc. 2011;40(1):85-96. doi:10.1007/s10964-009-9503-z

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Trauma is a situation where an individual fears for their life or experiences extreme physical or psychological danger. This could be a natural disaster, a catastrophic accident, physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, or witnessing violence. It is estimated that up to 40% of children and teenagers experience at least one traumatic experience.[1]

A child’s propensity to developing PTSD is related to how they experience the gravity of the trauma, their proximity to the trauma, whether the trauma is repeated, others’ reactions to the event, and their relationship to those involved.

The child or teenager may struggle with disturbing memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and physical distress symptoms following the event, making day-to-day life a struggle. This is especially true for young people who may not have the tools or skills to explain how they feel and what they are experiencing.

PTSD can happen to anyone regardless of gender, ethnicity, or age. The symptoms of PTSD often present differently in children and teenagers, so a diagnosis may, unfortunately, be missed.

Symptoms of PTSD in Children & Adolescents

The symptoms of PTSD frequently look different among children and adolescents compared to adults. Young children commonly display symptoms of PTSD through their play and interactions with others.[2] The phenomenon of Post-traumatic Play has been mainly studied among children who have experienced terror events; however, it is seen across all types of traumatic events. Play analysis has shown that children are likely to re-enact traumatic situations, follow morbid themes, display a reduced awareness of themselves as a player, and display a lower developmental level.

In contrast, teenagers with PTSD have been found to exhibit impulsive, aggressive, and even violent tendencies with their peers, family, and authority figures.[3]

PTSD symptoms shared by both children and adolescents may include:

• Memories, nightmares, and flashbacks. 
• Acting or feeling like the trauma is repeating.
• Physical trauma symptoms such as a racing heart, trembling and tension, headaches, digestive discomfort, clammy or sweaty skin, fatigue and pain.
• Losing interest in friends or hobbies.
• Insomnia.
• Displaying sudden or extreme emotions.
• Expressing acute anger, frustration, or irritability.
• Difficulty focusing or concentrating.
• Concerns about dying at a young age.
• Showing a lower developmental level than their peers.
• Feeling nervous, restless, or anxious.
• Experiencing emotional numbness or dissociation.
• Relationship problems with peers, family members, and teachers.
• Decreased school performance.

Both children and adults can have difficulty recollecting the trauma event narrative; however, children and teenagers often remember things in the wrong order. An adverse side-effect of this erroneous narrative is that children and adolescents frequently believe there was an advance warning sign they failed to be aware of. This creates more significant anxiety, lack of trust, and trepidation in their daily lives as they try to prevent any similar trauma from reoccurring.

PTSD & Co-Occurring Disorders

Along with the aforementioned associated symptoms, several psychiatric disorders can be found among young people with PTSD. The most common co-occurring conditions include major depression, panic disorder, separation anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, ADHD, conduct disorder, and substance use disorder.[5]

Children who have experienced trauma often have additional problems with loneliness, low self-worth, fear, sadness, low self-esteem, a lack of trust in others, feeling inferior, patronised, and misunderstood. As such, there is a propensity among this demographic to display aggression, impulsive or risk-taking behaviours, self-injurious behaviour, abuse of drugs or alcohol, adverse sexual behaviour, and suicidal ideation.[6]

Trauma symptoms and associated disorders are wide-ranging, challenging, and can appear to hold the person hostage in a place of constant threat and danger.

How To Treat PTSD in Children and Teens?

At Khiron Clinics, our professional PTSD therapists offer a range of treatment modalities developed to aid children and adolescents in their recovery.

Somatic Experiencing

Somatic experiencing is a body-focused therapy that addresses the root causes of trauma symptoms. This therapy aims to release the stored energy from the body’s fight-flight-freeze response, which was activated at the time of the trauma. The approach guides clients to recognise and understand the physical sensations which arise in the body in response to trauma reminders or triggers. Through increased awareness of sensations, suppressed emotions, and defensive tension is released.

Sensorimotor Psychotherapy

Sensorimotor psychotherapy combines talk therapy with somatic therapy. This approach focuses on the physical experiences of the body to develop an awareness of mental states. As trauma profoundly affects the body, we believe it is essential to use the body as a gateway to understanding a person’s psychology and towards improved mental health. Sensorimotor psychotherapy directly treats the symptoms of trauma within the body, which facilitates emotional and cognitive healing.

Other Treatments

Khiron Clinics offer customised treatment plans tailored to an individual’s unique needs. Treatment may also include medication, EMDR, Internal Family Systems, Lifespan Integration and BSP (Brainspotting).

Conclusion

We understand that as a parent, you want the best for your child and that there is nothing worse than watching them suffer. Feeling powerless or confused when confronted with PTSD symptoms in your child is natural. However, PTSD is fully treatable, especially when caught early on. Together we can help your child regain control of their future and build a happy, healthy life free from the effects of trauma.

At Khiron Clinics C+A, attuned therapists can help you work through and process any unresolved trauma using specialist techniques and methods. Please contact us today.

At Khiron Clinics C+A, attuned therapists can help you work through and process any unresolved trauma using specialist techniques and methods. Please contact us today.

Sources

[1] “Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)”. Aacap.Org, 2019, https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Posttraumatic-Stress-Disorder-PTSD-070.aspx.
[2] Cohen, Esther et al. “Posttraumatic Play In Young Children Exposed To Terrorism: An Empirical Study”. Infant Mental Health Journal, vol 31, no. 2, 2010, pp. 159-181. Wiley, doi:10.1002/imhj.20250. Accessed 17 Aug 2021.
[3] Fehon, Dwain C. et al. “A Comparison Of Adolescent Inpatients With And Without A History Of Violence Perpetration”. Journal Of Nervous & Mental Disease, vol 193, no. 6, 2005, pp. 405-411. Ovid Technologies (Wolters Kluwer Health), doi:10.1097/01.nmd.0000165294.41091.fc. Accessed 17 Aug 2021.
[4] Foa, Edna B. et al. “Psychometrics Of The Child PTSD Symptom Scale For DSM-5 For Trauma-Exposed Children And Adolescents”. Journal Of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, vol 47, no. 1, 2017, pp. 38-46. Informa UK Limited, doi:10.1080/15374416.2017.1350962. Accessed 17 Aug 2021.
[5] Cohen, Judith A. “Practice Parameter For The Assessment And Treatment Of Children And Adolescents With Posttraumatic Stress Disorder”. Journal Of The American Academy Of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, vol 49, no. 4, 2010, pp. 414-430. Elsevier BV, doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2009.12.020. Accessed 17 Aug 2021.
[6] “VA.Gov | Veterans Affairs”. Ptsd.Va.Gov, 2018, https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/teens_ptsd.asp.

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Absent or unavailable is an umbrella term (not a medical term) used to describe parents who are uncaring, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic or generally display self-centred and cruel behaviours which can – and often do – tip into verbal and physical abuse.

Start typing the word toxic into any one of the big search engines, and you will find no shortage of survival guides to help you navigate and recover from what can be some very damaging treatment in your formative years. In fact, as soon as you type the letters “tox”, there is an array of choices from popular searches with options like toxic childhood stress. Can it really be that bad? Actually, it can.

What Is the Role of A Parent?

In the main clauses of the parent/child service level agreement sit obligations like food, shelter, clothing, and other basic material needs. Often, even the children of emotionally unavailable parents will have their needs in these areas met but is that enough? If you want a happy, confident, successful, and balanced child, then no.

In the next tier are the logistical clauses such as consistency and routine, which help children feel safe and in control. Included in the next tier of the unwritten parent manual comes praise, encouragement, helping to understand the importance of rules, honesty, and the concepts of caring, socialisation, and sharing. These life skills won’t prevent a child from surviving, but a lack of mastery over them will make it harder for them to forge their own healthy relationships and succeed in life.

As we reach the pinnacle, really competent parents will understand and make allowances for the concepts of gender difference, where a child sits in the family pecking order, and crucially, personality – taking these factors into account when ensuring that their mutual expectations are compatible. All of the tiers of this hierarchy should be running concurrently to ensure that the child’s basic human needs (see non-negotiables of the parent/child SLA) are met.

Nobody’s Perfect but Trying At the Very Least is Quite Important

One could argue that modern parenting requires today’s parents (and often those under the heading of non-traditional, which includes single parents) to manage more moving pieces than their earlier counterparts, especially if they are working.

Every parent will tell you that they make mistakes, but in the main, they manage to not damage their children too badly in the process of parenting, and this is where things differ with EA parents. The effects of toxic stress on the children of EA parents is extremely damaging and very real and can give rise to neurobiological and psychological damage.

The healthy development of a child “depends on adult caregivers, who are mediators of child development because infants depend on parents or other primary caregivers for physical and emotional care.”  Their mandate is to provide the full spectrum of love and care and accept that their children are individuals with their own personalities and aspirations. They should ensure their children feel safe but not over-protected and guided but not controlled.

According to educator and author Michael Grose, “Families work well when they are guided democracies or benign dictatorships. Someone should be in charge of a family, and it’s a good idea if it’s parents!” Unfortunately for some children, the dictatorship is not so benign, with the concepts of firmness and nurturance, in reality, becoming a combination of cruel and neglectful. These actions aren’t one-offs but a pattern of behaviour that has a cumulative negative effect on the child, carrying into adulthood which can then create a generational pattern of behaviour.

All parents make mistakes, but the difference is that the average parent will acknowledge this, make amends and undertake to do better. This is not so with EA parents, who are often also narcissists who are only concerned with their own needs. Research found that adult children of narcissistic parents experience problems with substance abuse, mood disorder, PTSD, anxiety disorder, reported insecurity in relationships, and difficulty with intimacy.  It’s important for parents to at least try to get parenting right, acknowledge when they’re not, and seek help.

How to Recognise if Your Childhood Was Unhealthy

You may have been controlled or manipulated or not had your boundaries respected, especially as you got older and were consistently told that everything was always your fault.

Here are some of the other signs that you were brought up in a harmful environment:

• There was a role reversal in the child/parent relationship, which meant you had to parent your parent(s) or take on responsibility not appropriate for your age.
• You were told that you deserved the physical abuse doled out to you because that was the only way you would learn or something similar.
• You were forced to lie about your mistreatment under the threat of more punishment. This includes sexual and other physical abuse.
• One or both of your parents competed with you. This is particularly common in father/son and mother/daughter relationships.
• You were emotionally neglected or abused, perhaps being told things like you’re no good, ugly, or you need to try harder.
• You often felt fearful, afraid to express yourself and challenge opinions, or were just afraid of your parents in general.
• Love or any form of attention was conditional and therefore frequently withdrawn if you fell short of often unrealistic criteria.
• You experienced a lack of understanding when you needed support and comfort the

You might not have realised that life, especially a child’s life, is not supposed to be like this because it was the only benchmark you had. This can especially be the case for over-protected children who are not allowed to go anywhere independent of their parent(s).

In other words, this is the only version of normal, you know.

Because of this, your blueprint for acceptable behaviours and forming bonds with people may also be compromised.

The Ongoing Effects of Emotionally Absent Parenting and Moving Forward

Coming to the realisation that what you viewed as normal was actually very unhealthy is the first step to getting help and support and finding liberation toward a new and healthier way of being. It will probably be imperative to you that you don’t carry on the legacy of this behaviour passed to you like a badly smoking torch. As is often the case, the abused can themselves become abusers as it’s all they’ve ever known. It can also explain why children of abusive and unavailable parents cling to them despite their mistreatment. It is crucial for a child’s self-worth and self-esteem to have their deepest emotional needs met and to be able to relate to parents on an emotional level. When they are instead met with detachment and constant criticism, it creates an atmosphere of stress and anticipation of punishment, which can have long-term effects on both physical and mental health due to the relentless environment of stress it creates. The good news is that with the appropriate care and support, you can move past this. You can put down that baggage and change the course of history, or even her story.

If you have a client or know of someone struggling to heal from psychological trauma, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and outpatient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long-lasting recovery. For more information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

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However, if a child is bought up by parents who over-exaggerate the child’s qualities – praising them for everything superficial that they do, the child will deduce that in some ways they are superior to others – a core belief of all narcissists. If, at the same time, the parents don’t connect properly, or engage only superficially with the child they will also be dealing with a major attachment dysfunction which can result in a traumatic rupturing of the child’s psyche. As well as believing themselves to be better than others, they will receive the conflicting message that their innermost selves and feelings are not worth attention. This article wants to further explore the idea that lack of parental engagement in a child’s life, Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), can result in narcissistic traits developing within an individual.

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

A child who is raised by parents who fail to respond adequately to their emotions and emotional needs for whatever reason, may experience Childhood Emotional Neglect. As a child who doesn’t get their emotional needs met, they receive a subliminal message, basically telling them that their needs are not important enough to be taken care of. When this happens, as a protective tool, often children will grow up learning to push down any emotion, or block them out altogether.

Although hiding from emotions may have worked as a protective measure in childhood, as an adult it can have serious negative affects on your ability to function normally. Numbing yourself from your feelings will keep you disconnected and isolated from other people, stopping you from being able to form healthy relationships. It will also make you feel less valued and less worthy than other people.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a spectrum. People can vary between having slight narcissistic personality traits to clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. Individuals with traits of narcissism may be self centred and grandiose. They may also be willing to walk over others in order to get where they want to in life.

When someone has clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, it is much more extreme. They will have a desperate need to be admired, believe themselves to be better in every way than others, have no ability to feel empathy and as such will fully exploit other people to fulfil their own status and achieve ultimate control and power.

The Link Between the Two

There are many reasons children may not have had their emotional needs met, one of which could be that they were raised by a narcissistic parent. Because narcissistic parents will be focussed on getting their own needs met, the needs of their children go unattended. It can then often become a perpetuating cycle as many narcissistic people will themselves have grown up with extreme narcissists for parents and experienced an acute variety of emotional neglect. Narcissism may in part be down to genes, but often a narcissist will also have grown up in a household where their emotional needs were not only completely ignored, but also where they would have been superficially praised for things that are meaningless or indeed inaccurate. Emotional neglect along with a misplaced sense of superiority is at the core of every narcissist.

At the centre of both individuals suffering with narcissism and those with CEN is often the same feelings of being alone, empty and insignificant. They just have two very different ways of expressing these feelings. Although these two disorders are very different externally, in a strange, contradictory way ,they actually serve to cause and perpetuate each other, especially as many CEN sufferers are attracted to narcissists in adult life.

If you have a client, or know of someone who is struggling to find the right help for either Childhood Emotional Neglect or Narcissism, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and out-patient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long lasting recovery. For information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).

Sources:

1. Brummelman, Eddie, Gurel, Cisem, Thomaes, Sander and Sedikides, Constantine (2017) What separates narcissism from self-esteem? A social-cognitive analysis.

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